literature

The Wrong Captain

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Literature Text

Inspired by the fics of TickTockCroc (he let me do this), and nobody named Tom Hiddleston was harmed in the making of this fanfic!

World War I, English Countryside

Captain James Nicholls strolled next to a lake next to the army camp, accompanied by his faithful steed, Joey. So far, it's been a lazy day with no sign of battle in sight.

"Isn't it lovely that we have a moment of silence for once, Joey?" Nicholls asked the horse, who moved his head in supposed agreement. Nicholls patted Joey's head.

Unbeknownst to either of them, a pair of eyes watched them from the water. He slowly poked his head out, and it's revealed that he's a large, green crocodile with a large grin on his face. To many, he's known as the Never Land Crocodile, notorious for harassing many a hapless person who came into his view.

"Captain!" someone called out from the distance. "We need to speak with you!"

"On my way!" Nicholls responded.

The crocodile grinned at the readers when he heard the word "captain." To him, that meant codfish, and codfish meant food! He licked his chops at the man standing next to the lake.

Never smile at a crocodile

No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile

Don't be taken in by his welcome grin

He's imagining how well you'll fit within his skin

Joey and Nicholls were about to leave when the latter heard something going "tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock" from the water. How very peculiar, he thought to himself. He saw the crocodile slowly following him and Joey as they walked. Nicholls could only smile nervously and continue on his way.

Never smile at a crocodile

Never tip your hat and stop to talk awhile

Never run, walk away

Say good night, not good day

Clear the aisle and never smile at Mr. Crocodile

Suddenly, Joey neighed loudly, and Nicholls whirled to find the crocodile lunging at him with snapping jaws. Screaming in terror, Nicholls took off running and jumped onto a high rock.

"Back! Back, beast!" Nicholls yelled at the crocodile, who was now below him.

The crocodile smiled slyly at his potential lunch, and he splashed the water with his tail. The water hit Nicholls, and he started to slip off the rock but caught it before he could fall into the crocodile's jaws.

You may very well be well-bred

Lots of etiquette in your head

But there's always some special case

I would place to forget etiquette

Nicholls' hat fell off his head, and the crocodile swallowed it the minute it fell into its mouth. He licked his chops and rubbed his tummy in response to the captain's taste. 

All Nicholls could do was whimper like a child. He frantically tried to climb back onto the rock so he can ride away on Joey, but the crocodile caught him by his feet. Nicholls tried to pull himself up, but the crocodile's weight was too much for him. The crocodile succeeded in yanking Nicholls off the rock, and the captain fell right into the belly of the beast.

Never smile at a crocodile

No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile

Nicholls climbed his way up the crocodile's gullet and pried his jaws open. "JOEY!!!" he screamed at his horse. "JOEY!! SEND HELP! HURRY!" Joey was already on his way to the camp.

After Joey had gone, Nicholls tried to pull himself out of the crocodile's mouth. He used his legs to pry them open, but he didn't count on the crocodile snapping at them in an effort to bring him down for good.

Don't be taken in by his welcome grin

He's imagining how well you'll fit within his skin

"HELP!" Nicholls screamed at the top of his lungs. He lost his footing, and the crocodile took advantage of the moment by using his tongue to force him down his throat. He also licked the captain's face to get another taste of him.

Never smile at a crocodile

Never tip your hat and stop to talk awhile

Never run, walk away

Say good night, not good day

Clear the aisle and never smile at Mr. Crocodile

Nicholls fought against the tongue and tried to pull himself out of the crocodile's mouth. But when he got most of his body out, the crocodile bit on his foot. Yelping in pain, Nicholls jumped in the air and almost went straight down the crocodile's gullet again. Fortunately, he placed his legs at both jaws.

You may very well be well-bred

Lots of etiquette in your head

But there's always some special case

I would place to forget etiquette

For instance...

Unfortunately, the crocodile's jaws became slippery, and Nicholls slid down the throat again. Right at that moment, Joey had led a few soldiers to the lake.

From the crocodile's stomach, Nicholls heard Joey's neighing, and he shouted, "I'm in here, Joey!"

"Cripes! The big beast's got the Captain!" one of the soldiers exclaimed.

"Hurry, before you dissolve into nothing!" another soldier added.

Never smile at a crocodile

No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile

Don't be taken in by his welcome grin

He's imagining how well you'll fit within his skin

Nicholls frantically climbed out of the stomach and up the gullet. When he reached the mouth after a bit of a slippery struggle, he beat at the roof of the mouth until the crocodile opened it.

Never smile at a crocodile

Never tip your hat and stop to talk awhile

Joey ran up to the crocodile's mouth the moment it opened, and Nicholls grabbed onto his snout. Joey pulled the captain out of the mouth and carried him away before the crocodile would get him again. Nicholls' clothes suffered only minor damage, and his usually well-kept hair was a mess.

"Thank you, Joey!" a shaken Nicholls managed to say.

"Don't you dare come back for another bite, you hear?!" the first soldier scolded at the crocodile as he and his comrades returned to the camp.

Don't be rude, never mock

Throw a kiss, not a rock

Clear the aisle and never smile at Mr. Crocodile!

Once the codfish was gone, the crocodile frowned and went back into the lake. He thought to himself, He's nowhere near as good as that other codfish, anyway.
This is heavily inspired by the fanfics of :iconticktockcroc:, and it's pretty much what would happen if Tom Hiddleston came across the Never Land crocodile. Ironically, Tom Hiddleston's gonna play Captain Hook in the next Tinker Bell movie, The Pirate Fairy! :D

While reading this fic, I strongly recommend you listen to the song "Never Smile at a Crocodile" while reading this, preferably the Disney Sing-Along Songs version.

Don't worry, he's not harmed in the making of this story!

Neither War Horse nor Peter Pan belong to me!
© 2013 - 2024 Draccyvangirl7
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TickTockCroc's avatar
Thanks for the credit! 8-)